dizzy goose
This morning I dreamt that I had woken up and gone to the bathroom to shower. As I attempted to close the bathroom door I noticed that every surface of the room was covered in tiny frogs and slugs. I ran into the hallway again only to find that the frogs were all over the walls and the ceiling too, their hundreds of eyes glaring at me. I stood immobile, unable to even begin the process of dealing with removing these creatures that had decided to enter my home. Despite the panic and stress of my new amphibian roommates, there were other, more pressing anxieties impacting me in the dream. I was more upset that the creatures were impeding my ability to go to work, rather than the fact that they were actively destroying my walls. The dream ended with a comforting figure appearing in the hallway and looking up at the frogs. He says to me, in a distorted dream voice, "huh. that's not supposed to happen."
I think my dream ended. At least, when I actually got up to shower this morning, there were no frogs anywhere. On my way to work I spotted a massive cloud of small birds, maybe two or three hundred, all in a large clump flying east. When I looked directly up, they covered every square inch of the sky. They almost morphed between bird and frog my mind's eye. It reminded me of being seventeen, driving to school on a cold autumn morning and seeing black deer running out on the road in front of me. Something about the dream world and the flesh world blending together in the early morning. Back then, I never knew if the black deer were real or not. I am grateful to know that the birds were.
Rainy mornings at work are my favourite. I turned on all the lamps and kept the fluorescent overhead lights shut down. I drank my strawberry green tea. I sat at my big desk, beside the sheer curtained windows, listening to the thunder outside and the hustle and bustle in the corridor with the computer screen illuminating my face.
Later, I spent part of my lunch break looking for a lost family heirloom. I am full of shame and regret for not being more diligent with the ring. It fit me well, but I don't think it was ever truly meant to be mine. After the events of Saturday night, I believe the ring to be hiding away from me somewhere in Meg's apartment, happy to no longer be worn by a fidgety woman who constantly took it on and off. After I noticed its loss, I prayed to Saint Anthony. Tonight, I will do it again.
On my way home I noticed flocks of geese flying north. Nearly every Canada goose I have seen over the last two months has been flying north. The weather has been unusually warm. I have never seen a day in October over twenty degrees before, until this year. The trees are utterly vibrant in their changing colours but the animals don't seem to have received the message. There are caterpillars all over my running route. The boxelder bugs are mating and spreading all over my exterior walls like a smelly red and black fungus. The birds are all flying in wildly different directions, unsure which way is meant to have warmer air. I am concerned that when everything freezes it will come too quickly. A snap cold, and then only the hearty creatures will have a chance at life in the winter.
I find myself really wanting to remember this time in my life. There is a warmth and a comfort to everything. The home, the friends, the work, the trees. I feel as if I am already picturing myself, six months, six years in the future looking back on these years and smiling softly. I am already neglecting to remember anything that isn't positive. My memory is a selective portrait. From this time I could also remember the cabin fever, the conflicts, the ennui, the silence. Most days I am finding myself feeling like the geese in the sky, unsure which way is up. Lately, I have compared it to being like a child in grade school the night before a field trip. A little heart filled with half excitement for adventure and half worry about a disruption in a daily routine. I am on the cusp of flight. I am finding it hard to sleep. I will have so much to say so soon.
What other things can I tell you about this autumn? I spent nearly every weekend in September in a big city. I saw friends and shows and ran the furthest I've ever run in one go. T has started a new degree. She took me to some places around the city I am begrudgingly growing to love. The new PTA movie was really good and I feel like I could write an essay on it. I read Ling Ma's Bliss Montage and it made me want to publish my short story drafts. I am watching baseball for the first time ever because the Jays might make it all the way to the World Series. I told L about my worldly anxieties and she said simply "a lioness does not concern herself with the opinions of sheep," which made me guffaw. Despite my never-ending to-do list, life is still good. I am doing my best to deal with the frogs in my mind. Soon they will be humanely placed in a different pond. This has been life lately! I hope your fall has been good to you too. 🐸