all i wanna do
There's a Sheryl Crow song L played for me last summer that's been taking up a not insignificant amount of space in my head for the better part of a year. Crow spends the entire 4 minute run time of All I Wanna Do in a bar with this older man, looking at all the yuppies and thinking about the ways in which life has passed by all the people stuck in the bustle of everyday life, work → money → sleep, grind over and over. More than anything, the song motivates me to try to have a good time despite all the madness of the world.
Every time I hear this song, the image ingrained in my mind is the dock at L's grandparents' house, huge fish jumping out of the lake in the sunshine as if trying to hear the music themselves. Maybe all the creatures of the world want to have a little fun too.
As the summer approaches again, I'm thinking a lot about this song and how much it embodies this moment of my life - in some ways, every choice I've ever made has been in an endless quest to have fun. I'm writing this to you on a sunny patio afternoon, on my second beer with Sophie. There's a few things I did 'for fun' that lead me to these circumstances.
- Started a blog
- Moved to BC
- Pivoted my entire career just because why not
- Put on my little jewellery and my fun little makeup just to go barely down the street from my house to have a bevvy
Fun decision after fun decision has eventually led me to a life that feels my own. I guess I feel particularly lucky to be in what feels like the spring of my life right now. Things were not always this way. Sometimes, the only fun of the day was my sparkly green eyeliner, sometimes it was just five minutes of music during my walk in -30 degree weather. The important thing, I suppose, is that the search for fun hasn't lead me astray yet.
I've been resetting and trying to think about what I'm looking for next in my life and I think I'm learning to take things a lot less seriously. I've been speaking a bit lately about feeling surveilled for a lot of my life - usually in my capacity as a minor figure in the school or work institutions I've been a part of. In all of this there has been little room for mistakes, a bad photo or bad opinion or misplaced risk were all grounds for removal/dismissal/social exclusion. In some ways I am thinking about the hesitation in my own self expression that I still can't fully shake, especially here on the blog - a public place that has somehow grown into many more eyes than I ever anticipated. I suppose there is a freedom in this though, the randos who read and might have something negative to say are drowned out by the many friends (and other randos), who instead choose to have kind or encouraging comments. I have permission to have fun here. For once, the surveillance is intentional and consensual. I want you here, witnessing me, and so you are.
On the topic of fun I'm also thinking about the beautiful friends and people who have brought (and continue to bring) so much fun into my life. I think about [REDACTED]'s informal test of the people I introduce her to and whether or not she thinks they're worthy of being in my life.
- Can they talk to her normally?
- Can they have a beer and be good company?
The bar is on the floor and yet you would be surprised how few people are able to pass the test. Of those that do - these are of course my real friends. Generally it's all an assessment, can you have fun? Practically everyone I've ever significantly loved and cared about has passed [REDACTED]'s test. I would guess that if you know me irl and you're reading this and you've met [REDACTED], you've almost certainly passed the test. Her word is law.
a new type of fun i guess
I've recently come to a moment in my life that feels like a grand conclusion of my first chapter of the year. There were three things that kept me going from December through to April. One was significant weekly training for my first half-marathon (the only stable and calm thing that I could depend on for so many weeks), the other was looking for work (I am now working!! yay!), and the other was being excited for my family to come and visit me (their visit has now come and gone). I'm sort of trying to figure out what fun looks like this summer, which I guess is a bit silly. What do I do when I just keep having more and more fun?
the last lil bit
Had a classic Big Fun Weekend™ this May 2-4. I've found for most of my life that May 2-4 and Labour Day Weekend are both major yearly checkpoints for me. Even more than Christmas or New Year's, I'm always busy during these fall and spring weekends and always ambitiously anticipating the summer or being grateful for the impending fall. Last May 2-4, I was having a hard time and decided to drive to rural Ontario where I ran into an old friend who was directly responsible for helping me get the job that I have now. It was a total chance encounter that I remain very grateful for - this is the sort of consequential magic that tends to happen to me around holidays. I wonder what happened this May 2-4 that will eventually blossom into something beyond my current ideas. Here's some pictures :)
There's a growing number of very fierce and inspiring runners in the peripheries of my life who are accomplishing things beyond my wildest dreams. Sophie convinced me to hop on my first trail run, where we ended up at a gorgeous waterfall after a smooth 4.5km up. I guess because of the holiday there were lots of older folks out and slowly making their way up the trail and so we accidentally looked really fit and cool despite me being slightly still in shambles from the night before. One older gentleman stepped to the side for us and said "Go ladies! You're inspiring us!" which was so unbelievably sweet. I'm grateful that so much of the fun in my life lately has come from running. After years and years of athletic activities having so many negative emotional associations (one day I'll write the ballet blog post… I swear), I cannot convey how much of a relief it is to finally have a physical activity that just feels brilliant to my body and my brain. Plus I get to be outside everyday in the most beautiful place in the world. I don't take that for granted.
Went camping back to back weekends and while I'm exhausted I'm also happy for any amount of time spent in nature without cell service. Listened to the titular Sheryl Crow song maybe 25 times total between the 2 weekends. Honorable mention and moment of gratitude to Apple's satellite text message connectivity and to my dad for texting me updates on the Habs while I was sitting around a campfire hours away from any real inhabited place. If thought I was gonna miss any moment of this playoff season you were WRONG. This pic is from the campsite that Sophie and I stayed at over May 2-4, which was maybe one of my favourite campsites ever. Being able to pitch a tent beside a quiet lake and just enjoy the sun and the mountains and the water is maybe the best experience ever.
In true what the hell sure behaviour we went to a rodeo! Blessed to know that for the rest of my life I can say that this isn't my first rodeo. Watched lots of people get bucked off of bulls and a bunch of adorable small children ride horses around barrels. Rodeos feel like such a Western Canada thing to me, sort of like attending one is the cultural equivalent of getting Screeched in in Newfoundland. It was outrageously hot in this little valley but it was easy to forget any discomfort just looking at how happy everyone was to be there. Also I love horses. In shooting my shot to the internet if any of you people in BC have horses and would let me ride one I'd be delighted. We could collab on a blog post or something. Let me know…
I moved here to be close to the water and so here's me taking a pic of the water. I love it here, I love my life, I love having fun.
I hope your May has been everything you want it to be.
love n hugs,
sam