the inbetweens
Life has been feeling a little in between lately. I don’t mean this is an emotionally qualitative way, like as in not good or bad but somewhere in the middle, I mean it in the sense of feeling like I’m in between time. Many of the conversations I’ve been having with the people in my life lead to the dreaded question: what now? or even worse: what next?
I’m trying not to count my chickens before they’ve hatched, so all I can say to those people these days is that I am waiting just a bit longer. Waiting to see what sticks, waiting for a multitude of other circumstances in my life that are sorting themselves out before I take any next steps. In all parts of my life, this is an in between moment. For me, in betweens are always chaotic, a mix of endings and beginnings all thrown into one. There is no dead time right now, just time that makes everything feel like it's hanging in the air, suspended mid flight.
Some of these in betweens are completely inconsequential. The Spring isn’t really Spring yet with some snow still around. An in between. I’ve just gotten my hair professionally cut for the first time in about two years and while I’m happy with it, it’s not as long as I’d like it to be. An in between. I have finally (mostly) stopped biting my nails, a 23 year old habit I have long been wanting to kick. My nails are growing, but they’re not as nice as I’d like them to be. An in between. In the midst of this month I’ve also just gotten my wisdom teeth yanked out of my mouth. I’m not really in pain anymore but I’ve still got some healing to do. In between and in between.
This time won’t last forever, time really is ticking down and circumstances will hit the deadlines they need to hit. And I will be able to make the decisions I need to make. I guess I often find that the in betweens don’t really get documented. If I’m blogging or writing in my journal I’m often writing about bigger highs and lows. So I suppose I just want to take a moment to think about what it feels like right now, as chaotic suspension can feel.
a little friend !
With the running and walking I’ve been doing I’ve been paying a lot more attention outdoors and seeing lots of little critters coming out of the woodwork. I also re-downloaded my bird watching app and I’ve had a lot of fun looking at the cardinals and trying to ID new birds. There’s been lots of song sparrows and nuthatches on my walks. I keep hearing the sounds of the goldfinches but I haven’t been able to spot them yet. All the squirrels are alive and well. The foxes are having their babies. Every now and then there’s a coyote. I think the animals are feeling the in betweens too, unsure whether or not the snow is gone for good.
Some of the local kids have made bird feeders and placed them out on the trails, made of fuzzy pipecleaners, cut water bottles, and pink dollarama heart stickers. A nice offering for the animals after a harsh winter. On every walk I say a little thank you for all the people who keep walking so enjoyable around here, like the workers who maintain the trails, the salt truck operators, and the people who label the poison ivy and the stinging nettle so I don’t wander into it.
This might be the year where I get into foraging. More adventures to come once this snow is truly and honestly away.
Another of the in betweens…
The trails are mostly bare but every now and then I’ll come across a section covered in ice. I’ve learned by now not to get my hopes up that the warm weather has arrived until after Victoria day. Still more than a month to go until I can be sure that no winter weirdness has lingered. And then a whole summer ahead.
in between consumption
A snapshot of what I’ve been feeding my brain. I’ve been listening to a lot of flute music. I sat down with Andre 3000’s New Blue Sun and I liked it enough that it has sent me on a bit of a flute kick. If you’ve got a flute-based record to recommend, please send it my way. The weirder the better.
I’ve also been loving this album by Hailu Mergia and Walias Band, which I’ve only been able to find on YouTube. It’s nice easy listening for day and night - perfect for this time in my life.
While recovering from my teeth being yanked out I watched Todo sobre mi madre (1999, dir. Pedro Almodóvar) and Slow (2023, dir. Marija Kavtaradzè). These have been two of the best movies I’ve watched all year and I totally recommend them. I hadn’t been sold on Almodóvar’s movies in the past, but this one was good enough to make me change my mind on him. There’s a letterboxd review about it that I loved so much I’m stealing it and putting it here: “La feminidad como colmena. Para Almodóvar las mujeres nacen o se hacen pero sobre todo se juntan.”
Loosely translated - “Femininity as a beehive. For Almodóvar, women are born or they are made, but above all they unite.” Yes… more movies about women & found family……. themes I adore.
(On another note entirely I watched the Robbie Williams biopic where he is a CGI monkey and honestly? It was really solid movie and it did make me cry).
Not much else to report on right at this moment. Lots to say and lots to do but it’ll all be off blog unfortunately. Many things very busy and many things coming together. I have not yet gotten around to responding to emails and I’ve been lacking in texts and calls, but I will get back to you as things calm down. Everything in time. Forgive me, I’m stuck in between.
love and hugs,
sam
image my friend sent to me from twitter (visual representation of my life this week):
