the summer ends

02 Sep, 2026

I've felt the end of the summer from a long ways away this year. I have a habit of getting too excited for warm weather too early in the year and then I run out of steam for summer before fall is even upon us.

In my undergrad days, I used to go to Windsor House because they were my friends and the only people I knew in the entire city of students that had rented a full house with a front and backyard. I used to bring a case of beer, tequila, and limes, and we would celebrate "Margaritaville" outside - the first day of the year above 15 degrees. The weather would continue to be really quite awful until June at least, often you weren't even able to wear shorts until then, but it made the summer feel so very long, starting on a sunny day while barely out of winter and concluding in September. I have such fond memories of those days sitting on the Windsor porch with PJ & the rest of those goofs with the sun hitting our faces.

This year's summer stretched even longer than those undergrad summers, which I hadn't really thought was possible. For the first time ever, I live in a place with very little snow. My first time wearing running shorts in March and a bathing suit on a beach in early April. Starting so early in the year gave me tons of time to plan things to get excited for: Camping with Sophie, running a half-marathon, watching NHL playoffs, watching the World Cup (at the local parties in my city!!), seeing my family, travelling to LA, hosting Side-Character Saturday, going to the Yotty in Quebec w/ L, big party pride weekend, seeing LCD Soundsystem, like 100 awesome hang outs with lovely friends, all concluding with Brie's planned visit in August.

Dad in May hitting the Dad pose looking out at the water and the mountains

If you've read my other blog posts from this summer you might have remarked that I've been feeling a bit lost, having lots of fun but still feeling a bit distant and reflective. It felt like sort of a shock to be sitting at the park with Brie just two and a half weeks ago, watching the sunset and talking about the lives that we've been living over the past few months. Seeing Brie was the very last thing I had on my calendar this summer and it feels very strange to be pivoting into the fall with a clear schedule. All the big things I have to look forward to are a little too far in the future.

end of the summer // end of the trail

In moving towards Fall I am thinking about ways to get creative again. The summer kills any spark I have because it's too hot to think and also I have a nagging voice in my head forcing me to be outside while it lasts. I can't bring my cart of creative supplies outside with me all the time and so I am forced to sit and daydream and socialize (all necessary), but without any output.

Part of creativity for me comes from personal archiving¹. In practice this looks like the very blog you are reading right now, which is my most public personal archive. My very private archive is my journal, which no other eyes can read. I think that I am honest in both places. I am perhaps more polished and figured out in this public persona that you read on occasion, but I very rarely discuss any deeply personal matters on here. I do not bare my soul in a way that other people do on the internet (and I admire them for doing so!), but I reserve the fears and desires and emotions that make me want to throw up for the journal and not the public realm. Maybe in the future there will be some way to combine the two and to get 'realer' online. I'm thinking about writing about some health stuff, about some love stuff, about some painful friend stuff. All things that live in the journal for now but could one day see the light of day. I have an urge to do this because it has been in my previous moments of public vulnerability that I have made friends and have had folks reach out. Those connections are deeply rewarding and a good reminder that in order to find vulnerability in others, you need to output some yourself.

Call it vulnerability/call it insight/call it whatever, here's a candid "how i've been" lately. I've been generally very happy in many of the little pockets of my life: work, relationships, fitness. Needing to put more energy into: health (seeing a doctor on the regular now is good at least), rest (meaningful rest), creativity (been giving myself no time at all for things), long-term goals. For the very first time in my life, plenty of my needs are quite fulfilled or at least on the way up. I'm having a hard time imagining what big goals to set next and it has left me feeling quite aimless. I certainly don't have everything figured out, but I like my life a lot right now. It's hard to know what could be better or different.

L.A. in june. from a very good trip with Leon

When I get like this in life, I often get a big impulse to run and to make a big change. Blow up my life over and over again. This time, because I have no urge to run away, that impulse is manifesting as a sort of cabin fever. I find myself feeling like I've already seen everything and done every reasonable adventure and so I'm stuck. What else can I do? This is perhaps a symptom of my lack of time spent on meaningful creativity, a lack of producing output in a way that feels good. I feel that I have little to share with others. My world is so internal. Other things affecting me: a best pal is leaving town forever (on to better things!), but this departure sucks and will continue to be felt for a long time (I feel I have no ability to complain, I've done this to others and I'll do it again). A few people in my life are in ill health and they are far away from me and there is so little I can do other than be anxious about them. I am scared all the creative parts of my brain have floated away and need to be rebuilt. I suppose I am placing the first building block of that new creativity by writing this in one sitting at ten pm on the couch in my apartment with the balcony door wide open.

I think the crisp new air is bringing in something special. I have less anxiety for the descent into Fall/Winter than I have in previous years, in part because I think that many big things are going to happen in the coming months. In my contentment with many aspects of my life, I think I am finally in a position to say yes to opportunities, to be a good community member. I feel loved and fulfilled² in many different ways and I'm eager to contribute to the world in self-centred ways (making my silly creative projects) and not so self-centred ways (upcoming election volunteering! community projects!). I'll report back on how things go. And in the interest of being a good community member... I have some emails to reply to from some of you lovely folks that read this blog, and I have some emails to send to some cool new people I've found online over the last bit. All coming soon!

I leave you with rabbits, rabbits, rabbits³ on this first day of September.

yours,
sam

watching the sunset w/ Brie

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